Quotes

Five Minute Star Wars: A New Hope, Kira
Five Minute Empire Strikes Back, Kira.
Five Minute Return of the Jedi, Kira
Beauty in Sleeping, Deja Vu
The Angel of Alderaan, Tribun
Four for flirting? Spideymaan
It's Okay, Master, the Force hates me, too, Rae of Rosemary
Saviors from the Past, escapistone
Changing Fate, MoopzVader

---

Obi-Wan: I understand this must be shocking to you, but --
Luke: Is that a lightsaber? I've always wanted to play with one of those. Schwing! Schwing!
Obi-Wan: You don't have to make the sounds.

Holo-Leia: General Kenobi, the Rebellion needs you. We're so desperate that we're willing to overlook that time your padawan went psycho and took over the galaxy. Take this droid to Alderaan -- he may contain the key to defeating the Empire.
Obi-Wan: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Luke: The key is really my sister?
Obi-Wan: Well... yes and no. But what I meant was that I will teach you to use the Force and become a Jedi Knight.
Luke: Are you sure I'm not too old?
Obi-Wan: What would give you a ridiculous idea like that?

Luke: I'm tortured and angsty now.
Obi-Wan: Then you are ready to become a Jedi and learn the ways of the Force.
Luke: Like my father?
Obi-Wan: Not quite. I'm hoping to snap my streak of pupils going evil.

Solo: Look, Jabba, if I don't get you your money right after this trip to Alderaan, feel free to freeze me in carbonite or feed me to the Sarlacc.
Jabba: Done. (to henchman) Take a memo: freeze Solo in carbonite and feed him to the Sarlacc.
Solo: But I said if I --
Jabba: Have a nice trip to Alderaan.

Vader: Obi-Wan... we meet at last.
Obi-Wan: We've known each other since you were a child, you moron.
Vader: Whatever. Eat lightsaber.

Obi-Wan: You can kill me, Darth, but I'll just come back even more powerful than before. "Obi-Wan the White," they'll call me.
Vader: Fifty bucks says you can't pull that off.
Obi-Wan: You're on.
(WHOOSH)
Vader: (poking the empty robe) Damn! Where'd he go?
Luke: Nooooo! Ben! Now how will you get the fifty bucks?

Obi-Wan: Luke, trust your feelings.
Luke: Has anyone ever told you that you sound like a New Age therapist? And get out of my head!
Obi-Wan: But I like it in here.

Five Minute Star Wars: A New Hope, Kira

---

Luke: Bye, Han! See you in the next movie!
Solo: What? Why won't I see you again in this one? Is there something I should know?
Luke: No, no, of course not. Um, I have to leave now.

Vader: Silence! If I want opinions, I'll check the suggestion box on my cruiser.
Imperial Soldier: The electrified suggestion box?
Vader: That's the one.

C3PO: Sir! The odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are forty seven thousand to one!
Solo: What are the odds you can calculate that accurately?
C3PO: Five trillion to one, but I hardly see how that's relevant.

Vader: This had better be good, Master. I was having fun blowing up things.
Palpatine: I have sensed a new presence in the Force -- Luke Skywalker. We must kill
him.Vader: That's your reaction to everyone new we meet. Why don't we try sending him a fruit basket instead?

Yoda: Ready to face it are you?
Luke: Hey, I can handle fear. Once, I had this dream about an alien named Jar Jar who--
Yoda: Enough have I heard. Go in the cave you can.

Luke: Yes! I cut off his head! I hope this is foreshadowing the outcome of my inevitable fight with Vader.
Vader's Head: Ahem. Look familiar?
Luke: Woah, that's what Vader's face looks like? You'd think we were related or something.

Lando: You're going to freeze this Luke guy in carbonite to take him to the Emperor? Isn't that risky?
Vader: Yes, but he'll be in mint condition.
Lando: Shouldn't you test it first? Maybe on a less valuable figure?
Vader: Yes... yes, I should.
Lando: Someone not standing here talking to you right now?
Vader: If you insist.

Lando: What? The only reason I agreed to this deal in the first place was because you said I could make the hot chick my love slave!
Vader: It sounded like such a good idea, I decided I'd do it myself.
Lando: Hey! You can't do that! It's gross for some reason I can't quite put my finger on.

Vader: Welcome, young Skywalker. I have set this trap for you.
Luke: Oh no! It's a trap!
Vader: I see Obi-Wan didn't teach you to have bad feelings about things.

Five Minute Empire Strikes Back, Kira.

---

Luke: Sigh.
Obi-Wan: Cheer up, Luke, I'm still here to follow you around!
Luke: Ben! How dare you just show up like this!
Obi-Wan: Because I lied to you about your father's death and your having a twin sister?
Luke: No, because you're violating the restraining order... wait, I have a twin sister?
Obi-Wan: Um... no?

Mothma: As per usual Alliance battle procedures, we will attack the Death Star against incredible odds and without complete information and hope we get lucky.
Solo: That's crazy!
Lando: It's suicidal!
Leia: It could be a trap!
Mothma: I assume I can count on you to volunteer?
Solo, Lando and Leia: Yes, ma'am.

Luke: Hello, father.
Vader: Hello, son. Tell me where I can find your Rebel friends.
Luke: No.
Vader: Fine. You're grounded. Go to your room!

Luke: I won't fight you, father.
Vader: Wuss.
Luke: Well, yeah, but that's beside the point -- you know the rules. No lightsaber fights without a bottomless pit.
Palpatine: Foolish Jedi. You think I would build my throne room without a bottomless pit? That's it right over there.
Luke: Oh. In that case....

Palpatine: And now, young Skywalker, you will die.
Luke: Don't I get a last request?
Palpatine: Well... I suppose.
Luke: Thanks. Father, will you throw him down the bottomless pit for me?
Vader: Certainly.
Palpatine: NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo....

Vader: I see that my grotesquely mutilated face shocks you.
Luke: Oh, it's not that. For some reason I was expecting you to be a big black guy.

Anakin: Anyways, now that you got me all redeemed and stuff, I decided to hang out with these two, just like old times.
Obi-Wan: Old times, my a--
Anakin: We thought we'd follow you around until the next sequel.
Luke: But... this is the last installment of the trilogy. There isn't another sequel.
Yoda: Sucks to be you, it does.

Five Minute Return of the Jedi, Kira

---

After King Anakin’s friend Mon Mothma (whose Republic stretched across half the galaxy) stepped forward with her gift for the two children and then moved aside, it was the turn of a humanoid in a black cloak.
The humanoid walked forward, then pulled back his hood, revealing a face of decay and eyes of fire. It was the uninvited Force user Palpatine, whose Empire stretched across the half of the galaxy that President Mon Mothma did not preside over.

The most beautiful girl he had ever seen was standing before him, gazing at him shyly. She looked to be around his age, and she had gorgeous green eyes and thick, vibrant red-gold hair. She smiled slightly at him before disappearing out the door.
Making a split-second decision, Luke said to his sister, “I’ll be back,” but she simply waved a hand at him. She was still arguing with Solo.

Han and Leia had a big formal wedding (Leia insisted), but Luke and Mara, much to Queen Padmé’s chagrin, eloped, preferring not to engage in some fancy ceremony.
And they lived happily ever after (except when Han decided to stir up some trouble—once a rogue, always a rogue).

Beauty in Sleeping, Deja Vu

---

Amidala only shook her head. "And so it begins. I can already see where this will end! My children are exactly like me, while I got a former slave and later a Jedi; they get a redhead without past, and a smart-ass Corellian pilot. They won't see it yet, but I know the symptoms... I better get prepared for in-laws in the future."

The Angel of Alderaan, Tribun

---

Danielle choked. "I’m sure that you would. However, not only am I quite certain I wouldn’t enjoy the two of you meeting, it is quite impossible. So, sorry to disappoint you, but no. And weren’t you going to find me some breakfast?"
He blinked. "I . . . was?"
Another terrifying smile. "You were."
"Oh . . . right." As he moved to comply, with a strong suspicion he’d been hoodwinked, he wondered for the first–but definitely not the last–time just what he’d gotten himself into.

"No, don’t be embarrassed," Danielle said drily. "I am indeed homeless at the moment, so don’t balk at saying it."
"No," Qui-Gon said firmly, "your home is with us now."
"Ohhh . . . how sweet of you! So, does that mean I can’t use the funding program?"
"Of course not."
"Good! Then we can go shopping right after my meeting with the Council!"
Again, the distinct impression of having been tricked swept over the Jedi Master, but he repressed it stoically. "Er . . . yes."

Qui-Gon looked her over with a smile. "You look like a Jedi."
"And who’s to say I’m not?" she asked archly, prancing off as best as she could in the too-large boots. "Give me a lightsaber and let’s see how long it takes me to dismember myself! Why, I could take on Vader himself at the moment!"

Danielle gave him a smile for which she was infamous on earth and which made her previous terrifying smiles seem trivial in comparison. "I couldn't have chosen better myself," she said sweetly. As Qui-Gon went an unhealthy shade of white and began looking about wildly, as though seeking escape, she sidled up next to him and purred, "At least if I'm trapped in this downwardly spiraling farcical delusion, you're strapped in the front seat right next to me, Qui-dear."
"'Qui-dear'?" Mace repeated with barely concealed delight.

"But, Qui, I want you!" Danielle sobbed, grabbing his arm desperately while affecting her most pathetic expression.
This had varied effects. Qui-Gon looked torn between amusement, terror, and indignation, and couldn't settle on one emotion long enough to spit out a retort. Yoda smiled more deeply, green eyes sparkling, while Mace seemed close to fits of hysterical laughter.

"What plans have you for the girl, hmm?" Yoda inquired.
Danielle perked up again. "After the meeting, Qui offered to take me shopping."
Qui-Gon shouted, "Offered?" just as Depa Billaba said, "Why, Qui, how sweet of you!" and Mace grinned, "But you make such a smashing Jedi, my young friend."

"Why does something tell me," Qui-Gon said morosely, "that the two of you are not going to be good for each other?"
"Could be those little midichlorians you have swimming around somewhere inside of you," Obi-Wan suggested.
"Or the psychic fish in the living room," was Danielle's pert observation.
Qui-Gon rolled his eyes. "May the Force have mercy on me."
"Amen," Danielle and Obi-Wan said in unison.

"So," Qui-Gon said into the silence, his voice rather droll.
"A needle pulling thread," Krista muttered. Everyone stared at her for a moment, then decided to pretend she hadn't spoken.

"I think we've had enough excitement for one day."
"Please. I think we've had as much excitement today as is physically possible. I mean, come on; what else could possibly happen?"
This, of course, is never a wise question to ask, especially when one is trapped inside an alternate dimension containing telekinetic fish.

"That," Laura grimaced, "requires a hefty amount of explanation, so does no one mind if I start untying you while I tell it?"
"Oh, I mind, definitely," Krista declared. "I will be personally offended if you remove my bonds and help me to escape."

Krista's lock opened, and instead of stepping away as Annie had, Krista launched herself at Laura. Laura flinched back at first, but after only a moment she returned the hug fiercely. When Krista stepped back, her eyes shone suspiciously. "I knew you weren't evil," she said passionately. "I *knew* it! You couldn't be--you'd suck at it."

Then, from even farther away, they heard a startled yelp, and turned to see yet another very disgruntled group of people standing in the weeds. "That--" a very unnerved looking Luke Skywalker yelled, pointing at the young Obi-Wan, "is unnatural! It's not possible! I watched you--a much older you--die! And where in the blazes am I?"

All four girls stared quietly as, on the screen, a giant Nexu frolicked joyously after a crowd of screaming people. Sweetums was clearly delighted to find an entire world of people so willing to play with him.
"So that's where Sweetums is today," Annie said, absently.

Four for flirting? Spideymaan

---

For in front of them, twenty-year-old senior padawan Obi Wan Kenobi and his master, the fifty one year old highly respected Master Qui-Gon Jinn, were currently sprawled out on the grass in their formal robes, not meditating, not even having an in-depth discussion about, perhaps, the formal negotiations they were supposed to be in. Oh, no. They were currently marking tallies on pieces of flimsy and arguing over whom the Force hated the most.

Both Jedi jumped slightly and turned. “Master Yoda?” Obi-Wan said uncertainly. “Is something wrong?”
“Yes!” The little master snapped. “Very wrong, something is! Wrinkling and dirtying your best formal robes, you are, while in negotiations you should be! Why there are you not!”
Qui-Gon shrugged. “We didn’t really see the point, Master Yoda.” He replied. “If we go, we’ll either be blown up, threatened, kidnapped, memory wiped, shot at, yelled at, or we’ll screw up through misguided good intentions and end up being reprimanded, yelled at, sent on a dastardly mission resulting in loss of life/limb/sanity, etc, or start a chain of cataclysmic events that will change the world as we know it. So we decided to just stay here and enjoy ourselves for a bit.”

He pretended to think. “Hmm… Maybe you could just meditate for a bit and ask it?”
“Nah.” Obi Wan shook his head. “We tried that. It simply said that there was no emotion and asked us why the hell we weren’t in place for its ambush.”
Mace blinked uncertainly. Obi’s face was rather straight, so he couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. So he did the safe thing and changed the subject. “So…who does the Force hate more so far?”

Once they were safely past the gaggle of small children, Yoda glanced up at the dark-skinned master. “Cheat, did you?” He asked.
“Why would you think that?”
“Because that weird look, that in your eye is.”
Master Windu grinned. “I’ll let you believe what you want, but I will say this: if I cheated, then you’re a Sith.”
Yoda’s cackle echoed down the halls.

It's Okay, Master, the Force hates me, too, Rae of Rosemary

---

“What is this?” There stood Obi-Wan. Dog in one hand, ball in the other.
“It’s a ball.” Ani helpfully supplied. “Its spherical and bounces when you throw it.”

Had his head hurt any less than it did, he would have found Obi-Wan falling off the edge of his bed extremely humorous.
“Anakin?” Obi-Wan’s voice was shaky, tears were forming at the edges of his eyes.
“Master?”
“Anakin!”
“Does anyone else find this conversation a bit redundant?” Qui-Gon’s voice interrupted.

“You’ll forgive me, Anakin, but I do not believe that I want to jump in an electric fence to see if I survive.” Qui-Gon’s voice answered.

“The Force enables a Jedi. It does not make him. You have been well trained. What you learned to do with so little capability still applies to the larger. It is a lesson I did not believe.”
Anakin looked at him “I think you’ve been around Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan too long. You’re starting to sound sagacious.”
“Backwards talking at least I am not.”

“I didn’t mean to sound, well, that is to say…”
“You didn’t mean to sound like a paranoid Jedi having a conversation with Darth Vader?”

“I think ‘Father’ is an appropriate title. I have fond memories of the last time I called you that.”
“And Obi-Wan thinks I’m strange. No wonder he went prematurely grey. What did you do as a child; kill womp rats in the circulation vents?”

“You know full well my grandson isn’t playing patty cake with her. You’re just being stubborn.”
“My last apprentice played tonsil hockey with his twin, Ani. I don’t put anything past your family.”

“Contrary to popular opinion, Obi-Wan can spell both Bar and Sex.”
“Yes, well I got my information on the second from you Ani. I wasn’t the one hitting on women when I was nine. And you drove me to the first.”
“You knew him when he was nine?”
“Unfortunately.”
“But I thought you said he was an accomplished pilot when you met him?”
“He was.”
“At nine?!”
“What can I say? I’m special.”

“I get the picture. You don’t need to remind me that you were dueling your twenty-four year old apprentice when you were sixty and I was hobbling around when I was fifty-three"

Obi-Wan groaned. “Don’t tell me you managed to have a child and don’t know what happened. Why do you people always have to ask the virgin in the group?”
“You’re a virgin?” Luke squeaked his brain trying to wrap around the strange turn in the conversation.
“Yes, hard as it is to believe one of us actually kept his vows. Luke, if you keep stuttering, I’ll just embarrass you more until you say something.”
Obi-Wan waited while Luke fidgeted. “So, do you want to know about the time when I caught your father ‘talking’ to Padme?”

Saviors from the Past, escapistone

---

Freezing in place, he turned slowly to Padme, who was whooping in laughter. "No, no way, uh-uh. Sorry, Pad, I’m a Sith Lord."
"So?" Padme laughed at the expression on his face.
"I don’t do diapers!"

"Because I’m pretty sure this thing’s bigger then he is. When are they going to be house-broken?"
"Potty-trained, Anakin. With intelligent species it’s called potty-trained."

Changing Fate, MoopzVader