Quotes

Familial Mayhem, Maria
All I want for Christmas, Lisaroquin
Happy New Year, Lisaroquin
Holiday Translations, CharlotteB
Bodyguard Buffy, PaBurke
Divine Justice, CharlotteB
Hacking Good Time, Kei
Not Another Kidnapping, Kei
Teal'c's Wish, Nycorson

---

Before Teal’c could answer Jack’s demand with a response that probably would have had the colonel committed to the insane asylum, the phone rang. Being the closest to the phone, the Jaffa answered. “This is ColonelO’Neill’s residence, Teal’c speaking. If you have business you wish to discuss with ColonelO’Neill, press one now. If you have pressing issues to discuss in the field of telemarketing, press two now…"

“You turned my graduation into a food fight!” Cassie finally chimed in. “During my speech, no less.”

“We didn’t mean to,” Xander said sheepishly.

“It just sorta happened.” Jon quailed under Janet’s gaze.

“You know, we let all you males sit together in the same row because you promised to behave. In fact,” Sam said coldly, “Teal’c and Daniel even promised to keep you all in line. What happened?”

“We got bored?” Xander and Jon chimed in unison.

Cassie returned to banging her head against the wall. “I think I will never forget my graduation. I’m just glad none of you brought explosives.”

“You mean, you’re glad we confiscated the explosives,” Joyce sighed.

Teal’c, who had decided that the little blonde needed a bit of threatening back up, came to stand behind her so only the two of them were in Dominic’s direct line of vision. “I would like to instruct you in the art of protected sexual intercourse.” He held up a condom. “This is a condom.”

“Wait,” Jack said slowly, “where’d you get that?”

“DanielJackson enlisted my assistance in lightening the load of your baggage.” Then he turned back to the young man who was pinned to a wall. “As I was stating, this is a condom. This is my fist.” He punched the wall behind Dominic’s head while making certain not to damage Janet’s wall or his hand.

“I see,” the frightened male gulped.

“My fist will make certain contact with your face if you do not use a condom. Do you comprehend, DominicBessel?”

Buffy and Sam never did live down the ‘Fire Incident’ as it was forever termed. In fact, the story was told time and time again including when another incident occurred…like the one that happened just before Buffy got married…

Familial Mayhem, Maria

---

"Colonel O'Neill, am I to understand that you ordered an alien to kidnap a citizen of the United States and bring them to one of the most top secret facilities on this planet?" Hammond said incredulously.

"Er, well...it sounds pretty bad when you put it that way, sir," Jack hedged. "But, well, yeah."

"I understand the sentiment, but you asked an alien to kidnap a civilian resident of the United States and bring this young man to the SGC. How on earth is that going to impact this young man? Hell, how are we going to explain this one to the Pentagon, Colonel?" Hammond glared. "Send a case or two of cigars to Washington with the note--It's four boys and a girl from SG1?" Upon seeing the amused speculation that appeared in O'Neill's eyes, Hammond quickly added, "DON'T YOU DARE, COLONEL!"

"According to Riley first time he talked to Sam's dad was on the phone basically saying 'you don't know me but I married your daughter three weeks ago and she's now in critical condition from a top-secret mission on which I led us into an ambush'"

"They're keeping the kids together not getting groiny." Xander rolled his eyes quite unimpressed by the rigormoral of the regs and red tape.

Janet had made the mistake of taking a drink of her coffee just before Xander opened his mouth. "I swear I'm going to tattoo Surgeon General's warning--choking hazard on your forehead."

"Here is Loki's little gray butt to be kicked." Thor said. "Merry Christmas, O'Neill."

"Sweet." Jack grinned ferally.

All I want for Christmas, Lisaroquin
Year In the Life Series

---

***HONK HONK HONK***

“Jonathan O’Neill, don’t make me come in there!” Janet called.

“It wasn’t me!” Jon’s voice came back at the same time as *Honkhonkhonkhonkhonk*

“Jack! Blow that one more time and I’m gonna shove it down your throat!” Daniel snarled as the front door slammed.

Sam and Janet exchanged glances and burst out laughing. At least Jon had the excuse of looking like a kid. Jack was just as bad during his downtime.

Teal’c’s eyebrow shot up. Ishta smiled with a nod. “In four months..”

“I am most pleased. The child will have a home here with us if you wish.”

Overhearing the exchange Paul Davis muttered to himself. “Great, more intergalactic custody papers to draw up.”

“Thought you were bringing broody and bleachie,” Xander frowned.

“Dropped them outside. That pesky little invite clause” Willow shrugged.

Xander headed for the front door and bellowed. “Deadboy, Fangless, get your butts in

here.”Spike took one look at Thor and Freyu. “Bloody Hell, the witch wasn’t making it up. Only you, whelp.” and burst out laughing.

Buffy and Faith were discussing--oh dear lord--their most interesting methods of demon eradication with Neith who seemed in turn impressed, disbelieving, and occasionally demanded a demonstration of a particular move. The last nearly caused the demise of a lamp and the table it stood upon, five times and counting.

“So you going to shoot me if I screw up with Xander?” Jack smirked, knowing that the Brit had just been waiting for an opportunity to grill and threaten him all evening.

“Actually no,” Ripper came up to the fore, “But I will see you in a hell dimension for eternity after breaking you to the point you have begged for death for days.

Jack blinked then took a drink of his beer. “Well, no need to mince words.”

“Quite.”

Happy New Year, Lisaroquin
Year In the Life Series

---

“Cassie may have sprinkled something in her cider that made her a little more responsive to psychic suggestion. I know it sounds kinda bad, but in their defense, it was only a suggestion, not a command, and Willow didn’t even have to finish the sentence before Sam was sauntering over to Jack.”

Well, it was certainly considerate of Willow to give Sam and Jack something new to blame their behavior on. The alien virus/technology story became a little less plausible every time they had to use it.

They stepped apart from each other and Daniel awkwardly clasped his hands behind his back. Dawn licked her lips, stunned. Fuck. Wow. Shit. Shit again. Off the scale. Crisis of Angelus-like proportions.

He’d try brazening it out. “Who’s this from? There wasn’t a card attached.”

“Yeah, funny thing. Turns out Hallmark doesn’t make ‘I kissed my boss like a rabid tree squirrel and now he won’t talk to me about anything but linguistics’ cards.”

Dawn nodded. “At least it’s got more of a historical basis than Valentine’s Day, which was invented by the greeting card industry. We used to celebrate it as singles’ awareness day, but since everyone else paired off, it sounds kind of bitter to call it that.”

“So now you just celebrate the majestic wonder that is the great state of Oregon?”

“Yep. Blue and gold, bits of Oregonian trivia, the whole shebang.”

“That’s one I haven’t heard before. I’ll tell you one thing Summers–you’re certainly unique.”

She’d almost have to be to be attracted to Daniel, but O’Neill decided not to mention that, or the inevitable competition for his affections she’d face from most of the evil or disturbed women in the galaxy.

“Thank you for those condescending words, Professor O’Neill. Feel free to bite me at your earliest convenience.”

Dawn’s knees weakened and she slid to the floor. Silent tears flowed down her cheeks. This quiet archeologist had the power to destroy her with his words now. She couldn’t imagine what it would be like when she finally fell all the way in love with him. If this didn’t work out, she’d have to leave the SGC. Maybe she could get a job with the Asgard.

Holiday Translations, CharlotteB

---

"It's the tweed people you have to watch. Just full of surprises."

Daniel observed SG14 in their camouflage. "I don't see any tweed, Buffy."

"It's a state of mind."

The whimper brought Teal'c's head around quickly. "Are you injured, BuffySummers?"

She held out her hand. Teal'c could see no blood. Nor was her hand shaking.

"I broke a fingernail," she wailed. "I just had a manicure two days ago." Buffy kicked the corpse closest to her feet. "Stupid minions, as annoying as Storm Troopers," she muttered. Only eight years of fighting with General O'Neill allowed the Jaffa to keep a straight face.

O'Neill, too, could morph from an emotionless killing machine to a petulant child in a moment. Granted, they each had their preferred weapon of choice, but the similarities were obvious.

What was the cliché she spoke? A corpse does not speak words, or something to that effect. She claimed it was a pirate's creed. Buffy Summers would have made an excellent pirate.

"Te-al'c! Don't do that to me!" Buffy scrambled to her feet and followed. "You didn't answer any of my questions. What are you? Part Oz?"

"You write how that happened. I assume you played bait. Or was it a straight ambush?" Buffy finally grinned. "Nope. Teal'c complained last week that he hadn't played bait for a couple of decades, so I let him do it. He pretended to be a hurt Jaffa. You know they weren't even nice to him? They hit him and decided to take him captive, alive, for their god."

Jack piled the remains of his lunch onto his tray. "Hidden deep inside that tiny blonde California ditz is a warrior of such a caliber that Teal'c can play bait. Think that over, Carter."

Sergeant Siler watched General O'Neill walk into a wall. He wondered what that was about.

Then the phrase 'King of Being Kidnapped' appeared on one of the reports. Dawn's eyes zeroed in. She glanced at the heading: JFKA 7.

*

-Foiled another one.

-They are getting trickier.

-If you can't make Daniel stay on base, might want to look into have a crown made. Engrave it with 'King of Being Kidnapped.' Might make Daniel more aware of his surrounds and stop walking into traps.

*

General O'Neill had written in a comment. 'Get it done and I'll pay you out of the petty cash fund. Maybe have ceremony? With cake?'

-I broke a nail; I'm billing the Airforce for my emergency manicure to fix it.

Bodyguard Buffy, PaBurke

---

She slid a hunk of hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me.”

Daniel still wasn’t talking. Especially since Dawn seemed to be giving him a standard break-up speech and he was confused again. He hadn’t known they were dating.

“You prepare briefings. You go to new planets, meet new people and learn about new cultures. You try not to get killed or taken hostage by the Goa’uld. According to my last performance review, that’s not really my strong point. Um, translate any books, papers, walls, or technology you find on the planet, determine whether there’s any important information about how to fight or defeat the Goa’uld for good. I seem to spend a lot of my time running.”

“You make a good space heater.”

He laughed. Sha’re hadn’t liked sleeping snuggled in with him during the summer on Abydos because he made her too hot, but she’d slept practically on top of him as soon as it started getting cooler. “I get that a lot.”

Jack didn’t buy it. He glared at her. “Did you bet on my attention span again, Carter?”

When she bit her lip and didn’t answer, he glared at the rest of the original members of SG-1. “Didn’t I order you guys not to do that anymore?”

Yet another reason not to become a Watcher, in her opinion–you hardly ever got to play with the weapons and everyone tuned out the minute you started explaining something. Plus, according to Giles, you got hit on the head a lot.

Teal’c nodded, understanding Buffy’s point immediately. It was akin to addressing O’Neill as ‘Jonathan’ instead of Jack. Not that he ever addressed O’Neill by either name, of course, but Teal’c was clear on the concept, even if he did not understand what Buffy meant by her use of the word ‘wiggy.’ He would ask her later.

Sam didn’t really care why they couldn’t have Giles, stuck on why she couldn’t have her hacker. “Why can’t we have Willow?”

Daniel was incredulous. “Sam, did you just whine?”

Divine Justice, CharlotteB

---

GunsNRoses had been very thorough- it was difficult for members of a secret government organization to operate once their positions had been revealed. Sam, and the rest of the SGC, didn’t miss those who had been routed, foremost among them being the newly resigned Senator Kinsey. Ahh, that had been a beautiful, beautiful day. Teal’c had even shown a bit of tooth in his smile that day and Daniel, Daniel had spent the day skipping around Level 28 in giddiness. She had caught General Hammond smoking a Cuban cigar in his office and Colonel O’Neill had whistled ‘We Are the Champions’ for nearly a solid week.

Sam resisted the wild urge to giggle hysterically. The world was ending and the world’s, their world’s, greatest hacker had just called and offered her help. She took it all back. The world SO didn’t suck. Especially if it didn’t end.

Xander was leaning against the front porch railing that Willow was sitting on, legs swinging, when the black limousine pulled up in front of the rundown two story house in Cleveland which currently housed the American branch of the International Watcher’s Council. Believe it or not- it was a lot more impressive than the English branch, which mostly consisted of Giles’s one bedroom flat in the not so nice part of downtown London.

He strolled over and slung one companionable arm around the archaeologist’s shoulders. “So, have you ever heard about Vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness?”

“So, Xander, have you ever heard about the Gateway to Heaven, aliens, and our fight to keep the Earth from being enslaved?”

“Hey, Willow, look!” Xander was waving wildly at her as Jack O’Neill laughed. He stuck his arm into the open Stargate, “One arm is in another galaxy,” he pulled it back out of the event horizon, “now its not. One arm is in another galaxy…”

“If your arm gets cut off, I’m NOT growing you a new one.”

“You saved the world and all you want is pancakes?” Jack asked, if only to clarify, as a smile began to bloom on his features once again.

“And sausage,” Xander added wistfully.

“Hash browns,” Willow breathed.

Colonel Jack O’Neill, US Air Force slung his arms around two sets of shoulders, a bounce in his step. “Could we interest you two in a job?”

A Hacking Good Time, Kei

---

She might still watch Saturday morning cartoons with the youngest of the mini-Slayers, but she was almost done with a PhD in history, and was living a comfortable double life of graduate student and Council liaison. She was definitely getting to the point in her life where getting strung up like a prize fish was a little dated. Not to mentioned having Buffy lecture her yet again on being careful when hop, skip, and jumping across different dimensions when she got back.

A significantly taller cobra dude sauntered into the room, looking unaffected and regal, though his eyes were glued to her. Yeah, yeah, she could do unaffected and regal too, even hanging upside down in his secret lair or whatever. She had lots of practice and only one thing to say.

Bring it.

Her brain had to be goo by now, which was unfortunate because she had really grown fond of her brain. It had been nice to be smarter than Buffy, at least when it came to book-smarts.

Not Another Kidnapping, Kei

---

The General sighed, “What was the object you were holding when you got here?”

“Stake”

You could see the General trying to hold onto his temper, “And what is it used for?”

“Dusting.”

Willow just smiled at her, eyes focusing on Anise. “I said, BE QUIET!” The sound coming out of Anise mouth was gone, her mouth was still moving but nothing came out.

"I am a carpenter, and I can read basic Sumerian, Latin, Hebrew, and a few other odd languages you have probably never seen. And Klingon.”

Xander shook his head and tossed off a perfect salute to the General. “Harris and Faith reporting for duty sir!”

Riley just shook his head and snickered softly “The end of the world has arrived.” Watching the General and Colonel try to figure out what to do with these two was going to be amusing and scary. All in all he was damn glad he was headed back to South America, the repercussions might not reach that far, if he was lucky.

Teal'c's Wish, Nycorson