Quotes

Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings, Maya
The New Students, White Angel Chan
Harry Potter and the Four Guardians, Elf
Harry Potter's Vacation with the Perfect Soldier, Elf
A Grim's Promise, NightSeer
The Stag and the Dragon, Kenya Starflight
Harry Potter and the Children of the Atom, Classic Cowboy
Destiny Prophocies: Sphere and Stone, Hui Xie
Adventures in Paradise, Raindrops on Roses
Harry Potter and the Hero of Time, Michelle Lancaster
Harry, er, Malcolm and the Sorcerer's Stone, HiBob
Physical Education, Adrian Tullberg
Alias of Chaos, SilverLily aka Blood Moon
The Life and Times of Blaise Zabini, Rosy the Cat
Harry Potter and the Stargate, Shezza88
Surrey Trouble, Kirallie

---

(Scene opens with the Nine Companions being transported to Hogwarts Hall, bewildered, sleepy and in their pyjamas)
RON: Oh, what's going on - oh my God! Oh, I'm blind! Hermione, don't look! Malfoy's in his pyjamas!
HERMIONE: Where? Where? Uh... I mean, how disgusting!

DRACO: Stop that! I'm not wrestling with you in my nightclothes - I'm not into that sort of thing... now, Potter here...
LUPIN: Stay calm, everyone, I'm in contr - ohhhh! Argh! Oh no, no, it's too horrible, Snape in his boxers, it can't be... (keels over and begins to twitch)

DRACO: You're all mad. Where's Professor Snape? He's the only sane one here.
GINNY: He's making a toga out of the curtains to hide his shame.
DRACO: I take that back. I'm the only sane one here...

MCGONAGALL: Oh, Aragorn, my love!
SIRIUS: I thought my name was Strider...
(Bilbo/Mr Weasley appears on the steps of Rivendell, which are getting quite crowded)
MR WEASLEY: So it is. Also Dunedan, Elessar, Elfstone, Estel...
SIRIUS: And Sirius, right? Oh, my head... Minerva - that is, Arwen, stop that at once!

DRACO: I've read 'A History of Hogwarts.' God, what idiot hasn't read it?
(Everyone looks at their feet, except for Hermione who looks at Draco)
HERMIONE: Wasn't chapter eight *amazing*?
DRACO: Especially the part about Apparating.
HERMIONE: My favourite part!

SIRIUS: And he still can't afford shampoo? Oh, yeah, and hey, I'm the heir to the throne of Gondor! In your face, you slimy-haired git!
SNAPE: Shut up. Gryffindor.
SIRIUS: And Minerva - Arwen - is my girlfriend! I know you've wanted her for years!
(All five students look sick)

DRACO: Heroic quests aren't really my thing. I'm too intelligent. Like in the first Harry Potter book, where I've been branded as a coward for running off when I saw Lord Voldemort. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Fall down and soil myself like Potter here? Or stand there in my magnificent 11 year old glory and say 'Well fancy that. The Dark Lord drinking blood. Isn't that curious?' What the hell would you do?
LUPIN: I'd rip out his jugular. Uh, but we digress, Mal- golas. Listen, if you go, you get this really cool crossbow.
DRACO: Fair deal.
LUPIN: And you get a sword, Snap - omir.
SNAPE: Wicked. So, this quest. Does anybody die?

RON: Well, you can't get on or you'll flash your pantyhose at us!
DRACO: This is not pantyhose! They are leggings. Manly leggings.
GINNY: He's right you know. I've been looking.
(long pause. Ron slowly goes puce. It looks interesting with his hair)
GINNY: Because that's where my eyes are! Because I'm a dwarf!

DRACO: Yes, be a good little boy. And it's about time to be setting up camp... I'm tired, and my feet hurt.
LUPIN: You are a tireless elf!
DRACO: I have a bad back.
SIRIUS: Just say the word, and I'll rip out his jugular with my dog teeth.
RON: The word, the word!

FAT LADY: Isn't that the dreadful man who ripped me apart with a knife?
SIRIUS: Er... yes. But I was a desperate, maddened criminal! In a non-homicidal way.
DRACO: How precisely do you rip someone apart with a knife in a non-homicidal way - and can I try it?

LUPIN: Help me!
HARRY: What did he say?
SNAPE: Er - 'Fly, you fools!'
SIRIUS: We must obey the orders of our lost leader! Onwards!
LUPIN (slipping and falling): You... bastard... Boromir...

HARRY: What does the book say, Herm - erry?
HERMIONE: Why, would you look at that! The valiant hobbit Merry becomes leader.
HARRY: Really? Oh, right then.
HERMIONE (rolls her eyes): It's Aragorn, you idiots.
SIRIUS: Score! Yes! Luh-whoo-suh-her! In your face, Snape! In your *face*! (straightens up) Uh, sorry. On to Lothlorien!

ME: Well, Gimli falls in love with Galadriel.
CHO/GINNY: Excuse *me*?
DRACO: This is my kind of story. Come on, lesbian sex romps... please, please...
CHO: I'm sorry, is he supposed to be a pure elf? I'm not seeing it...
HARRY (virtuously): I would never even *think* that, C - Galadriel.
HARRY/RON/SNAPE/SIRIUS (mentally): Come on lesbian sex romps... please, please...

HARRY: I was just... I was only...
DRACO: Gazing at Galadriel in the shower with your glasses all fogged up? How truly disgusting, Frodo. Give us a look, then.
(Harry stares)
DRACO: Oh, what did you expect? Moral indignation? I'm a Mal - Greenleaf.
RON: I am shocked, Frodo.
(Harry hangs his head)
RON: Shocked that you would consider giving him a look before me. I'm your best friend, dammit!
FAT LADY: Any time you can drag yourself away from your rampant hormones, Frodo...
(Harry produces the mirror. All three boys fight to get a better look.)

HERMIONE: Hast thou consulted the Mirror, brave comrades?
DRACO: Uh, indeed. Many things were laid bare to us in the mirror. Things which were hidden have now shown themselves in all their glory.
(Harry and Ron both choke)
HARRY(muttering): You're just basically the Antichrist, aren't you?
(Draco smirks)

RON: Let me see... I... oh, for God's sake. A box of dirt? I get *dirt*? It's just like Christmas day. Oooh, Frodo, please take this Invisibility - um, evil Cloak of Doom... and for you, Sam, yet another maroon sweater! Except dirt shaped.
DRACO: Cool, I get a weapon. Whee. Pointy stuff of death.

GINNY: Well, yes. Er - did I ever thank you for saving me at Moria?
DRACO: Too busy *not* having lesbian snogs with the elf queen just to spite me.
GINNY: I'm really grateful.
DRACO: Apparently not grateful enough to give me a free show.

DRACO: Well, now our hero's wandered off, I should mention that the foul stench of the orcs hangs upon the air. God, I wish more Slytherins used deodorant. You have no idea what I suffer.
(Ginny hugs his arm sympathetically)
(Ron lunges at Draco)

(Snape lunges at Harry)
HARRY: Oh come on, sir. I have an Invisibility Cloak. (Puts it on) Whee. Ha. You can't get me now.
SNAPE: Curse you, Cloakbearer!
HARRY: Bet you're regretting lunging for me now, huh? I am the ghost of Harry Past! No, I am the ghost of Frodo Present!
ME: Harry, stop prancing around like a big invisible pillock. You must away to Mordor.

HERMIONE: We must discuss all aspects of this choice in solemn council.
(There is a pause. Everyone tries to look solemn)
DRACO: Sod it. Who's for a game of Exploding Snap?
HERMIONE: You are not allowed-
SIRIUS: I'm in.

SIRIUS: Well, the very stupidest thing we could do now is all to split up and run wildly in different directions.
(Everybody but Sirus and Draco splits up and runs wildly in different directions)
SIRIUS: Sometimes I wonder about this bunch. A brave lot, yes, but apparently incapable of the simplest practical thought like - 'Perhaps we'd better inform the teachers that a basilisk lurks in the Chamber of Secrets before we go off and confront it in all our twelve-year-old magnificence.'
DRACO: Argh. No-one ever listens to me.
SIRIUS: Don't be silly.

SNAPE: Believe me, the Gryffin - the halflings are all yours. Really. I never liked them anyway.
(Hermione and Neville shuffle behind him.)
FLINT: He protects the halflings! Slay him a lot!
SNAPE: No, really, this isn't necessary. You can have them. Get out from behind me, halflings!
NEVILLE (fearful): Should we do as he says?
HERMIONE: Over orcs, I'll take Boromir any day.
NEVILLE: It's a tough call.

FLINT(firing arrows): It's - a - relentless - effort - to - dehumanise - the - antagonists! Oooh, this makes me so mad!
SNAPE (whose chest now resembles the pincushion of a manic seamstress): Why don't you just shoot me in the head!
FLINT: Because then you'd die immediately and there'd be no touching death scene! Which, I might add, no secondary evil characters get! Keep shooting, boys!
(Snape falls to his knees)
NEVILLE: Oh my God, he's dead!
SNAPE (getting up): Actually, I feel inexplicably much better, and ready to get up and kill several more orcs without appearing to feel my clearly fatal wounds.

SIRIUS: Erm... Boromir... how are you?
SNAPE: I have been shot countless times in the chest!
SIRIUS: But... aside from that, you're all right?

DRACO: Let's go after Merry and Pippin. There's an orc there who owes me money.
SIRIUS: Why not. (checks the script.) Yes, that's exactly what we have to do. Only first... er... we have to conduct a funeral ceremony for Boromir.
DRACO: Sounds reasonable.
SIRIUS: ... we have to sing.
DRACO: I hate my life.

SIRIUS: And now to the subject of Legolas. He has to be the smartest and most stunning elf the world has ever seen. I hereby abdicate, place the leadership in his hands and place myself at his feet so he may walk over me if he feels so inclined.
GINNY: Sex me, Legolas baby, sex me now.
SIRIUS: All hail Legolas the mighty, prince among elf princes! All hail!
GINNY: Let me just fetch the whipped cream.
SIRIUS: Teach me to be as wise and good as you, oh master among - Look, I don't care what the script says, this is wrong, wrong, deeply wrong.
GINNY: And I don't think my next line is physically possible.
DRACO: We have to adhere to the script. I don't make the rules.

Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings, Maya

---

"Did you decide what to do about that letter you got yesterday?"
"I'm going to go," Malik answered through a bite of apple. "I want to see who had the nerve to address it 'Malik Ishtal, The Most Unkept Bedroom.'"

Any dueling would have to be done the old fashioned way. Yugi made sure that it was HIS old fashioned way and not Yami's. Using magic to summon monsters at school would likely get him expelled.

"One more thing," Yami Bakura said. "I'm three thousand years older than you are. Any chance I can get special permission to have alcohol?"

Yami felt as if there was something missing from this victory. There were no agonizing or frustrated screams of defeat. No threats. Not even an "I'll get you next time!" He sighed. He supposed he'd just played so many serious games that he'd almost forgotten what it was like to just play for fun.

Yami Bakura happily dug into his steak. Malik was thoroughly grossed out. "How can you eat that?!" he mumbled.
"Like this," Yami Bakura answered, cutting off a particularly large piece and tearing into it so that Malik got a good look. Malik gagged.
"I hope you get E. Coli or something..." he muttered. "Or a tapeworm." Yami Bakura laughed and continued to eat his bloody steak.
"Next time, you'll sit at your own table..."
"You'd think that, wouldn't you?"
Yami sighed. He was wondering if Malik and Yami Bakura being on friendly terms was a good thing or a bad thing.

The New Students, White Angel Chan

---

So, that leaves what Wufei would do. Wufei would run into Dumbledore's office and shout, "Injustice!" Then he'd slice Dumbledore's desk in half to make his point and force Dumbledore to listen. Well, good ole Wufei, you gave me an idea.

Harry Potter and the Four Guardians, Elf

---

"Damn that boy! Damn Potter, damn the vampire, damn that golden monstrosity, damn those Sailor Scouts, well, not their legs, lovely legs that Hotaru has."

"An excellent plan, My Master," Wormtail whimpered as he remembered what Snape had said about Duo Maxwell's home dimension. Where Duo had killed more people than Voldemort in less than a year's time. Wormtail stayed silent like a good little minion though and nodded.

Harry Potter's Vacation with the Perfect Soldier, Elf

---

“It’s cute,” Harry said, still looking at the lavender eye. “For something that’s supposed to be deadly it’s really cute.”
Hiei scowled, sensing the Jagan’s irritation mixing with his own. “It is not cute.”
“It’s like my snake,” Harry said with a shrug as he stepped back. “Liam is a small cute black snake that can kill people with one bite. The cute factor does not stop him from being deadly.”
Hiei blinked. He and the Jagan were confused; it had been compared to a snake. “You admit that my Jagan eye is deadly but you’re saying that it’s cute as well?”
Yukina giggled when Harry nodded. “I agree it is cute. In a mass destruction kind of way of course,” she said quickly when Hiei scowl-pouted at her.
Hiei continued to scowl as he tied his bandana back around his head. “It is not cute.”

“Yusuke, one question.”
“Okay,” Yusuke said slowly. He had a feeling he was going to regret this. “What’s your question?”
Harry and Yukina grinned at each other. “Don’t you think Hiei’s Jagan eye is cute?” He asked pointing at the short man’s bandana.
Hiei’s hand twitched as he resisted the urge to draw his sword. “It is not cute!”

Note to self: plan prank for Yusuke and Shuichi to get revenge for hiding something like this. Must wait until after my birthday. Shuichi is definitely out of school by then.
What the hell is Oden and why is Yusuke screaming it at the top of his lungs?

A Grim's Promise, NightSeer

---

Emperor Palpatine, the reclusive leader of the Galactic Empire, and Lord Darth Vader, his imposing second-in-command, could not be reached for comment.
Ha. They hadn’t even tried to reach him for comment. Then again, if they had, they would have received their comment in the form of a dead reporter. He read on.

“He’s crazy,” Hermione decided. “Even if Vader’s his father. I’ve seen the movies, and Vader isn’t redeemed until just before he dies.”
“He dies?” repeated Ron, stunned.
“Yes. The Emperor tries to kill Luke, and Vader gives his life to save his son.”
“Bloody hell!” Ron exclaimed, stunned.
“Watch your language, Ron!” Hermione scolded.
“Vader can’t die!” Ron protested. “He’s the best Dark Arts professor we’ve ever had! Harry, you’ve got to talk to him again! "

Hagrid wedged himself in after them, accidentally knocking Vader’s helmet against the doorway with a resounding clang.
“Careful,” Luke urged.
“Ah, man wears a helmet,” Hagrid theorized. “Time he got some use outa it.”

“How does he expect us to defeat Voldemort with love?” Harry demanded. “If someone shows love to Voldemort, will he shrivel up and die?” He entertained the bizarre mental image of someone embracing Voldemort and the dark wizard screaming and melting into a puddle at the contact.
“I doubt that’s what he meant, Harry,” Vader replied.

His hands touched a cool metal grip… Vader’s lightsaber.
He’d better not mind that I’m using his saber, thought Harry, and he got to his feet, brandishing the weapon.
Voldemort gave an insulting chuckle. “It helps to turn it on, Potter.”

“What’s with the costume?” Neville asked, giving them a puzzled look.
“Oh, a gift from Mr. Fett,” Fred beamed, proudly standing and revolving slowly to flaunt the shiny suit of silver-and-red Mandalorian armor Boba Fett had bestowed upon him.
“He’s our first celebrity endorsement, you know,” George added, making a show of wiping imaginary crumbs from his breastplate.
“Weasley Wizard Wheezes Joke Shop and Weaponry Emporium,” Fred bragged. “With premises on Diagon Alley and in the Silver Tower District on Corusant!”
“Providing pranksters and mercenaries alike with the necessary tools of the trades,” George said with pride. “Sorry, totally wicked Mandalorian armor not included.”

The Stag and the Dragon, Kenya Starflight

---

“I heard that, Summers,” Jean said narrowing her eyes at her husband, making him squirm. Scott knew he was about to be in for it, but was saved when Logan belched loudly. “Logan, for goodness sake, not at the breakfast table,” Jean scolded turning her attention to the Canadian, “And … what are you drinking? Is that beer? Logan you know this is a school and you are to be setting an example to the students, what have you got to say for yourself?” Logan answered with an even louder burp.

“Ready to go, Harry?” Kitty’s voice sounded from the doorway. Harry turned around and just jaw dropped. Kitty was wearing a long light blue strapless dress, a small ‘X’ pendent, that all X-Men were given, around her neck, her long hair was let down and curled, and her face had just enough makeup to complement her features. “You like, Harry?” she asked smiling. “Wow …” Harry whispered looking her over.
“X squared times two to the … second power … yields …” Beast groaned in his sleep destroying the mood, causing both teens and Wanda to laugh.

“Don’t worry, Harry,” Xavier said rolling up to the two, “No one is going to that wizard’s prison, everyone in the M.O.M. office and general area just experience a strange five minute black out. Funny coincidence …”

“Don’t worry, Hermione,” Beast said with a smile, “Mage here has already learned the hard way, with a scar for a reminder.”
“WHAT?” Hermione gasped, all color fading this time.
“BEAST!” Harry shot, glaring at the older X-Man.

“Just stay out of my way, Potter,” Draco sneered from the Slytherin table, “Either way, I doubt the other schools have anyone who can touch Hogwarts’ two best Seekers ever.”
“Did … Malfoy … just?” Harry asked wide-eyed.
“Ok, where’s You-Know-Who …” Ron muttered, “Because the end of the world has just been heralded.”

‘Look to your left, Harry,’ Prof. Xavier’s voice rung in Harry’s mind. He did as told, and as soon as he did, his lips made contact with Hermione’s. They didn’t move for a moment, just stood there frozen. But when it registered what they were doing and they leapt apart, and pretended like nothing happened.
“Pay up, Cajun,” Logan said, holding his open hand to Gambit.
“Dat just isn’t rite, Mon Ami,” Gambit sighed, handing sixty dollars to the Canadian.

And then there was Logan, who was apparently arguing with Neville about smoking on Hogwarts property, because Neville was holding a cigar, which Logan was reaching desperately for. “Better hand that back to me, Bub,” Logan snarled.
“Make me,”
‘Snikt’
“Here you go, sir.”

Harry Potter and the Children of the Atom, Classic Cowboy

---

“Something amuses you?” asked Snape suddenly, noticing Bakura’s widening grin.
“Many things do,” Bakura said idly. “Death, pain, blood…”

Destiny Prophocies: Sphere and Stone, Hui Xie
Quoted by AlanaHikari

---

"Can you get us off this bloody island?"
Charlie shook his head--something he regretted when the world began to spin. "Not while I'm drunk--sorry, mate." He had no desire to get splinched--especially when he didn't know the rules about Apparition for this time period.
"Damn," Jack muttered. He quickly recovered his lighthearted mood. "Well, I guess a little more rum won't hurt."

Adventures in Paradise, Raindrops on Roses

---

"Password?" asked the Fat Lady. Zelda raised her eyebrows.
"I've never seen a painting that talked!" she said.
"I have," Link scowled. "Or, more accurately, several paintings that came to life and tried to kill me."
Harry chose not to ask, and Zelda didn't look terribly concerned, either. There weren't many sorts of things that had never tried to kill Link at some point or another.

He told them how he spent his childhood in Kokiri Forest: "Mido hated my living guts. Of course, I later found out it was because Saria had a crush on me and he had a crush on her. He didn't believe me that we were just friends. And then, of course, he got everyone else hating me, too, because I was the one kid in the whole forest without a fairy partner. That was rough."
"You think that's bad, you should meet my cousin Dudley."
"Yeah, Dumbledore told us all about your family. But did Dudley ever frame you for murdering your own god?"

the elusive Sheik who turned up to help him ("Of course, when he told me he was a she, and not just any 'she,' but Zelda, all I could think was, 'Oh, goddesses, I hope I never said anything I shouldn't have said in front of her.'")

Laughing, Link replied, "When you grow up surrounded by females, you figure out what women want. Here, I'll sum it up for you." He counted off on his fingers. "Don't repeat anything that results in getting slapped. Do repeat anything that results in getting kissed. Not to mention the fact that having 'world saviour' on your résumé is something of a plus, especially if you do something for her personally, like help her regain control of the ranch that rightfully belongs to her in the first place."
Harry nodded thoughtfully.
"And, if all else fails," Link added with a smile, "ask another girl for help."
"Like Hermione."
"Sure. But I suggest the fairy who lives in your hat."

"Do you know how stupid you will look wearing it with the rest of your outfit?" Zelda insisted angrily, holding it out of his reach.
"Do you know how stupid I already look dressed like this?" Link countered; he looked strange with his hair exposed. "Give it back!"
"No! I didn't let you wear it to our wedding, and you're not wearing it now!"

"Wow," Ron muttered, as they got to work attempting to alter their hair colours, "Hermione, you've got competition. Think you can handle being second best?"
"To the most legendary and powerful queen in the prehistory of the world?" Hermione commented dryly, raising an eyebrow. "Yes, actually, I'm okay with that."

"You'll be a big Gryffindor fan," Ron decided, nodding. "I can just picture you leading everyone else in screaming for us."
"I will make it my personal mission to be the loudest, most obnoxious fan in the crowd," Link promised seriously. "Shouldn't be much of a challenge," he added as an afterthought. "Not for someone who, as Zelda will be the first to tell you, is usually loud and obnoxious without trying."

Before he took off, he paused to ask, "Anything I should know about this? Like how to do it?"
Harry shrugged. "I don't think so. I figured it out on my own, so you should be fine. You know how to ride a horse, right, so it can't be that different."
"Good point," Link agreed with a nod. "I like the way you think, Harry…mostly because it results in me getting what I want."

Harry Potter and the Hero of Time, Michelle Lancaster
reccomended to Priest by Kaya

---

“Did you tell Malcolm?”
“Of course I did.”
“You told Malcolm that he was adopted?”
“I’M WHAT?”
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
“Mom,” Reese called out. “Am I adopted, too?”
“No, you’re ours.”
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! This birthday just keeps getting better.

“Malcolm, You do know we love you.”
“I know, Mom.”
I can think of a half dozen better answers, but if I use any one of them I’ll be grounded.
“And you’re grounded for the next week for talking to Francis.”
Dang. I had a free shot and I missed it.

“Now hold on,” Hagrid said. “Did ye ever have something happen to ye or did ye ever do something that ye couldn’t explain?”
He can’t know about that. No one could find any proof. Not even the police. He’s bluffing.
“No.”

“That means I have to leave home?”
I mean it. This is the best birthday ever. All I need now is to find out that my real parents left me a ton of money.
“Mister Hagrid, how is all this being taken care of? Who’s paying for it? Did my parents leave me a ton of money or something?”
Hagrid thought briefly. “It think it’s more like a ton and a half.”
YES!

“I heard a scream?” Hermione was at the door again.
“Really?” Malcolm asked. “It wasn’t from here. We were talking quietly until you opened the door to our compartment.”
“The door was open when I arrived,” Hermione said smugly.
“No, it wasn’t,” Ron added, taking his cue. “We watched you open it. You’re acting barmy, you know.”
Hermione opened her mouth to say something, then closed it, and turned to leave. She turned back and said to Ron, “Do you know? You have a smudge on your nose. Right there.” When Ron scowled and rubbed his nose she smiled. “Besides, we’re almost there. You’d best get ready.”
“I think she hates us,” Ron said as she left.
“Really? And I was on my best behavior.”

“Boys,” Hermione said sternly. “You’re embarrassing Malcolm by your remarks. You shouldn’t be rude.”
The girls agreed with her. “They’re so immature.” “My mother says they never get past this stage.” “Hermione would snag the only decent boy around.”
“Excuse me,” Neville asked. “Why is Malcolm hitting his head on the desk?”

“Malcolm, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?”
Malcolm frowned. “In the States, you’d get at least ten years. If you plea-bargained it down to possession you could get away with rehab, but you’d better get a good lawyer.” Malcolm paused for effect. “Professor, are you a junkie?”
The entire class went quiet. Snape turned around, completely red in the face with anger. “YOU . . . IMPERTINENT . . . LITTLE . . . EXPLETIVE DELETED.”
Hey, I learned a new word. I wonder what it means. I should ask.

“It’s a Howler, Malcolm. It’s not nice but it is loud.”
With trepidation, Malcolm opened the letter.
“MALCOLM. ARE YOU CRAZY? ARE YOU STUPID? DO YOU WANT TO END UP LIKE FRANCIS? YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND SO FORGET THAT IDEA RIGHT NOW. AND YOU NEED EXERCISE. YOU’RE PLAYING ON THAT TEAM. IF I HEAR THAT YOU DON’T I’LL DRAG YOU HOME IN AN INSTANT. AND NO GIRLFRIEND.”
That was cool. I was feeling homesick, and now I’m not.

“Malcolm,” a wide-eyed Reese asked in all the confusion. “Did they just come out of the fireplace?”
“Yeah. Ron and his brothers are really elves. Let me introduce you to ‘The Big Guy’.”
Reese followed as Malcolm led him to Hagrid but before anyone could say anything he fell to his knees and hugged Hagrid’s boot.
“Santa, I’m sorry. I tried to believe in you but they kept telling me you weren’t real.” He turned and angrily pointed at Hal and Lois. “It’s their fault. Punish them.”
“I’m guessin’ ye mus’ be Reese. Malcolm told me ye were a bit daft.”

Wow. I just found out two things I didn’t know. Reese can cook, and Reese can read. I just don’t know if those are good things.

Harry, er, Malcolm and the Sorcerer's Stone, HiBob

---

“Now, I was ... persuaded to come here, when some STUPID FUCKWIT WHO DIDN'T TELL ME I WAS WHACKING A GODDAMN WIZARD!”
Harry tried to look as heterosexual as possible. This was important because Ron chose to squeal like a girl and jump into his arms at Deadpool’s little outburst.

Deadpool suddenly pointed to a point behind the students. “Look! Elvis!”
Despite the majority not knowing who Elvis was, everybody turned.
The anguished scream filling the still morning air a second later was a complete surprise.
Turning back, Draco was prone on the ground, holding his knee, while Deadpool was holding what appeared to be a crowbar behind his back.
“What, this?” Deadpool produced the crowbar as if it’s presence was a complete mystery to him “It's ...a ... perfectly legitimate teaching aid, isn't it, blondie?”
“Please ... don't ...”
“It's called Tonya! Say hello Tonya!”

Deadpool casually threw the crowbar over his shoulder. “Okay, let's get started! Now to promote healthy exercise, I'm going to use a special Muggle wand!”
Deadpool bend over, and started rummage around in his gym bag, Ron leaned over to Harry.
“ I didn't know Muggles had wands ...”
A sound filled the air that could only be described as demonic.
Harry’s suspicions were proven correct, as Deadpool produced his wand - a large, revving chainsaw.
The hockey mask he was wearing over his normal mask wasn’t helping.

“Hey kids, guess who's been suckered into the sex-ed portion of your lives?”

”Okay, let's wrap this up as quickly as possible. When a man ... and a … woman ... usually … love each other very much ...”
Deadpool paused to think.
“… or she's had too much to drink at a club and forgot to take her special 'magic pills' that day ...”
Harry glanced roofwards, praying that Wilson wouldn’t single him out.
“… or the quality control guys at Trojan had a hangover that day ... ah, the hell with it.”
Deadpool produced a videotape, slotting it neatly into the waiting VCR.

Physical Education, Adrian Tullberg

---

"Voldemort!" Harry cried. "You saw Voldemort!"
Yuugi scratched his head. "Should I know this person?" -Sounds like a name Kaiba would come up with if he went on a world domination quest.-
Yuugi snorted. :Kaiba’s too proud of his name to come up with a new one.:
-…good point.-

"He’s the Dark Lord," he said, unbelieving that someone couldn’t know who he was.
Yuugi sneered. "Dark? He’s not dark. He’s just a slimy parasite."

"I’ve got a stinking suspicion that I’m going to be right in the middle of all of it," Harry muttered.
"What makes you say that," Hermione questioned.
Ron looked exasperated. "Isn’t he always?"

Harry took his wand from out of his pocket. "Talk about making mine feel inferior."
Yuugi flushed hotly. "Don’t feel too bad. You probably won’t see mine too often. I don’t like to draw too much attention."
Harry looked up at Yuugi’s hair and raised an eyebrow. Yuugi sighed. "For the last time, I was born with it!"

Alias of Chaos, SilverLily aka Blood Moon

---

Blaise had gone running all through the house, screaming her trademark Lord of the Rings Fangirl Scream of Joy TM.
Hey, if you found out you were the granddaughter of one of your favorite characters from your favorite books, you'd probably do the same thing!

The Life and Times of Blaise Zabini, Rosy the Cat

---

“Still, there is darkness of the gift within him.” Oma countered.
“Yet darkness does not always point to evil. Do not the Singing Birds of the Avereri burst out into the most beautiful of songs in the darkest of nights?” Lya asked.
“Does not the orchid of pain appear beautiful in the light of day, yet excrete a deadly venom in the night?” Oma said, her eyes narrowed as she gazed at Lya.
“Do not the moons of Krillupa cover the planet in eternal darkness, yet the sentient beings that developed there are peaceful and loving?” Lya said gently, her wide eyes staring unblinkingly at Oma.
“Does not the human boy standing between you two want to yell in frustration?” Harry asked sweetly, before he glared at Oma. “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!”

“So…” Harry trailed off, prompting Oma to speak.
“So I have established a connection with you. This will allow me to teach you much easier.” Oma said, smiling at his look of self-resignation. “Remember, the river may be deep but a bridge can guide you over it.”
“Alright, I get it. You’re way smarter than I am.” Harry muttered.

“Lya, of the Nox, sent me.”
“You know Lya?” The man who had snarled at him asked in surprise.
“Yes. As a Nox, she could not render military assistance but funny enough, she happened to mention that the Goa’uld were interested in the planet and was very… shocked… when I left to see what happened.”

“Um… A…A council of representatives chosen by the races of the Alliance.” Harry stuttered slightly, his mind buzzing with ideas.
“Interesting. I am to understand that you two have already joined this Alliance?” Narim asked.
“Well, I’m not really a race of people, but I really, really don’t like Anubis.”

“My you’ve grown. Why, I can remember when you were little and cute.” Jack said, appraising Harry.
“And I can remember when you had brown hair instead of grey but hey, you don’t see me gloating.” Harry retorted.

“One more thing…Harry…. Abra Kedabra?” Daniel asked in amusement.
“Hey, I respect your stone digging thing…um…” Harry trailed off.
“Archaeology.” Daniel supplies.
“Right. You respect my magic.” Harry finished in a huff.

Harry Potter and the Stargate, Shezza88

---

"We could always drug him and drag him off to one of your places that’s in the middle of nowhere, then he’d be stuck.”
“Duo! That’s kidnapping!”

“Heero! You can’t go around drugging people.”

“What did you do?”
“Made a highly illegal portkey and I really don’t want to get caught with it so please?”

“Yeah. Don’t ask me about the supposed power I have, Dumbledore reckons it’s love. What am I meant to do, kiss him to death?”

“Moony.” His own voice startled him, how long had it been since he’d spoken?
“Yes cub, I’m here. You’re doing good Harry, keep trying.”
“Come on kiddo you can do it. Please remember me Harry, I love you kid.”
“Padfoot.”
“Yes! Way to go Harry!”
“Hedwig.”
“Hedwig? Interesting thing to remember next, but hey, it’s your mind.”

Surrey Trouble, Kirallie
Note: Lots of OOC fluff. If you can ignore the way-too-in-your-face relationships, it does have an interesting plot.