There's only one way to find out, you numpty. Numpty? Don't go changing the subject on me! Come on; let's go to Janet's office. You're clearly not getting any work done here. Hmm, I wonder why... Don't you get sarky with me!
Lighten up, Daniel. Can't you take a joke... okay, don't answer that one. There's something very wrong in the fact that I'm essentially abusing myself here. Should I be worried? Nah! But you should see a doctor. Just not Doctor McKenzie. Or Doctor Warner. See where I'm going here? Hmm, let me see... And you called me sarcastic!
What do I have to do to get you to shut up definitely - and permanently?! Oh, you'd have to marry her. You know, the whole 'til death do you part' thing. We haven't even been on a date yet, and you're talking marriage!? Well, it's the logical ultimate goal in this situation.
Daniel started to bang his head methodically and slowly against the desk.
"Oh, fine," she said, leaning against his desk. "Just been finishing up some paperwork. Gets a bit lonely though after a while."
Daniel could have sworn that the voice in his head started to whistle innocently at her comment.
Yes. Because her plans for the weekend are a much safer subject. It's a perfectly innocent question. Unless you have an ulterior motive. And you do. I don't have an ulterior motive. You do. We're the same person, Daniel.
Touchdown! Go Daniel! Hey, if you don't want to do it on her desk, have you considered yours? Daniel? Are you listening to me? Daniel, are you there? Danny-boy? Great. One kiss and he's a gonner. Now what am I going to do? Ooh, I know. Plan the wedding!
Kiss Her, Viki595
Face it, Janet. You need to get laid. And I know the perfect candidate for the job. I am not about to go and have sex with Daniel! Are you sure? It'll be fun, much more fun than paperwork. Anything's more fun than paperwork. So you'll go then? No!
Well, you're not just going to burst into his office and rip off his clothes then and there, are you? Or are you? Because if you do, remember to lock the door behind you! Close enough. And any conversation I have with Daniel today will not involve the word sex.
Don't call it sex then… making love, coition, intercourse, copulation, fornication, hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing, the horizontal mambo… need I continue?
Yes!! Ladies and gentlemen, it may have taken seven years but Janet Fraiser's getting laid!
Do It With Daniel, Viki595
George wondered if he was having a heart attack, then idly wondered why he’d never thought about faking one before.
"Jack, what does "Top-Secret" mean to you?" he asked, ignoring the baby's brown eyes, which reminded him so much of his beloved doctor. Looking Jack in the eyes, he almost did a double take when the man's brown eyes also started to remind him of Janet.
"Don't tell anyone, which, at eight months, I don't think she will be doing anytime soon," Jack remarked. "Although Janet said something about her first word earlier. She said that it sounded scarily like 'coffee'."
"Well, sir, if you'll excuse us, I'm just going to show her the infirmary where mommy works and where daddy spends most of his time," Jack smirked. "It's probably where she was conceived, not that mommy or daddy will confirm that. They just go bright red, don't they, Autumn honey?"
George shuddered at the mental images that conquered up. "You're dismissed," he told Jack curtly, wondering if anyone would notice if he disappeared for about half an hour to take a shower.
"Son, what happened?" he asked.
"Light bulb accident," Siler replied simply. George resisted the desire to sigh. Siler had so many more opportunities to end up in the infirmary under Janet's tender care than he did. Although how Siler had actually had an accident involving light bulbs, he didn't want to know.
Hammond's Angel, Viki595
Daniel had dressed hastily and immerged through the tent with an angry whhhup of the tent flap. Shirt thrown on hastily, hair still a tangled mess, face set in a scowl, he did not look pleased. Sam swallowed, surprised at how intimidating her normally sweet, benign scientist friend could appear when he wanted to. She glanced to the Colonel, perched on a chair near her, but he didn’t look worried at all.
“Good-morning, sunshine,” Jack purred, which was the manner in which he had greeted Daniel the last several mornings. Carter and Teal’c exchanged anticipating looks.
“Good-morning, dumbass,” Daniel snarled in return as he and his sloppily tied boots stomped up to the campfire. Jack’s brows shot up in surprise, as did Carter’s. Wow, Jack had made Daniel curse. Maybe he should start reconsidering this whole scheme.
Daniel blinked down at Jack, at first confused, as if he wasn’t sure whether he was hallucinating. The Colonel looked up at him, mug of coffee in hand, with Daniel’s glasses perched on his face. He looked . . . like. . . Daniel couldn’t even articulate it.
“You’re wearing them?” he asked in disbelief. Sam giggled. Jack smiled slowly, and the expression is what undid him; Daniel couldn’t quite suppress the smile trying to win out on his own face.
“J-Jack, you look like . . .”
“Like what?” he asked eagerly. He was grinning now.
“Like . . . a complete and utter dork.”
“In fact I think they’re startin’ to geek-afy me.”
“Mm-hm,” Daniel murmured skeptically.
“It’s the source of all your powers! Carter, ask me a question.”
“Um. Describe the principles of String Theory.”
Jack spread his arms wide, in melodramatic pose, “Everything in the entire universe is actually made up of little tiny strings, like dental floss, and that’s what ties it all together.”
Carter raised her brows in surprise.
“That’s actually sort of right, Daniel.”
Jack pointed at him and yelled, “See? I told you!”
“I think you better give me those back now.”
“No! I’m not ready to surrender my newfound knowledge of the universe!”
“Gack! No-- no, I haven’t had a chance to speak other languages yet!” Daniel had one hand on Jack’s temple, Jack clutching Daniel’s wrist, while trying to keep his mug level in the other hand. Daniel held his mug in midair over Jack’s lap and held it slightly tilted, in a very threatening manner. Jack watched it nervously and swallowed, frozen on the spot.
Daniel’s neck was sore. That was the first thing he became conscious of.
His eye twitched and he winced, wondering why his neck hurt so much. His breathing was a little wheezy and difficult, too. For a moment, he wondered if perhaps he was waking up at the bottom of some Goa’uld cell after being hit with a zat-gun. That had happened to him far too many times than he preferred.
But then he woke up a little more and recognized the gentle tick-tock of the clock on the wall, and remembered where he was. SGC, his office. Unless the Goa’uld had installed analog clocks in their cells, of course.
“Uh . . . Jack?”
“Are you drawing on me?”
Daniel stared, a little puzzled.
“You know what they say about idle hands, Daniel.”
Daniel thought a moment and replied, “Are the Devil’s workshop?”
“I was bored,” Jack supplied.
“And you were asleep,” Jack added.
“You like?” Jack asked cheerfully.
“Um . . .” He examined them more closely. Something about the cartoon-style Goa’ulds was very disturbing. Trying to make them look cutesy somehow only made them more scary looking. Smiley-faces and random phrases (“Jack was here”, “Spacemonkey”, “Geeks R Us”) speckled him along with lumpy looking animals and flowers, and other totally random junk. Jack had traced around Daniel’s pulse-point on one arm, drawn an arrow pointing to it, and labeled it “Caffeine IV Drip Inserts Here”.
“So let me just get this straight. You got up this Saturday morning, looked out at the rain, and said to yourself, ‘I think I’ll drive over to Daniel’s house, sneak in his bedroom, and watch him sleep for an hour.’”
“Sounds about right, yeah.”
Daniel gave Jack a serious stare. The Colonel didn’t back down from his position. Daniel finally broke the quiet, speaking matter-of-a-factly.
“Jack, you’re very strange.”
“You want your pants back now, Jack?”
Jack exploded in laughter at the unexpected question and Daniel laughed along with him, sly smirk on his face.
“Jesus, Daniel, you’re a natural. I told you I’d woken up somewhere other than my own universe! We aren’t a married couple in my timeline.”
“Okay.” Jack shuffled around and grinned, then squashed down his smile and cleared his throat, making a distinct effort to wear the most neutral face he could muster. He sat very still and straight, then sort of bowed his head, speaking in a lower, grave tone,
“My ass is adequately prepared, MasterJackson. Please commence.”
Daniel stared awhile, jaw agape, unable to quite find any words. Finally he sputtered,
“Uhm-- Teal’c? Was that channeling Teal’c?”
Jack gave a solemn nod.
“Oh God. Okay, you probably shouldn’t do that again, scared the shit out of me.”
“Uh, no. I don’t think I can. I’m sure it was just an accident. He was late, in a hurry, grabbed some clothes . . .”
“. . . and sat on an artwork O’Neill was inscribing his name with?” Teal’c finished for her in a questioning tone. She looked at him.
“Was that a joke?”
101 Ways to wake Doctor Daniel Jackson, JayBee-Bug
“Thought so. It’s nine o’ clock, for Pete’s sake, Danny. What is it you scientists operate on? Caffeine?”
“Um . . . that and those sugar doughnuts they bring in the morning,” Daniel admitted again, not understanding how he ended up being lectured on not eating dinner by a man who had been dancing around in his living room. In his underwear.
“Well, using anatomically correct cornhusk dolls, I’m pretty sure I just taught one of the natives the novel idea of anal sex.”
Daniel choked on the drink he was in mid-sip of, and took a few minutes to recover.
JD Drabbles, JayBee-Bug
"Dr. Jackson's uniform costs alone are raising eyebrows," Hammond said. "Do you have any idea how many BDUs he goes through in a month?"
"I see your point," Jack said after a brief hesitation.
"We could just send him through in his boxers," Sam suggested hopefully.
"What?" Daniel squeaked.
"Thong?" Jack asked Sam.
"Could we?" Sam asked.
"Frostbite would adversely affect Daniel Jackson's appendages," Teal'c continued. "We must wrap him in a blanket first."
"That is not what I meant," Hammond said.
"What did I miss?"
"Daniel in a thong," Sam said.
"Pffft!" Janet said with a dismissive wave. "I've seen him naked."
"So have I," Jack added quickly.
"We all have, sir," Sam said.
"Paper bag over his head?" Sam suggested after a moment.
"Tattooing 'Property of the USAF' across his tight little tush?" Jack offered.
"Blinding all aliens who look upon his tight little tush," Teal'c said.
"A little extreme, don't ya think?" Jack asked.
"I do not."
"Okay...neither do I actually," Jack admitted.
"Meaning I have far less self control than the aliens and if you continue to flirt I'll take you right now, right here."
"Colonel, there will be no 'taking' in this briefing room," Hammond insisted.
"Damn," Sam and Janet muttered in unison.
"I have one thing Daniel doesn't," Jack said through clenched teeth.
"Gray hair?" Sam asked.
"Wrinkles?" Teal'c asked.
"A secret stash of Viagra?" Janet said. She looked around at the shocked faces and then deliberately buried her face in her report. "Oops."
Debriefings: Love Among the Stars, Eos
"The fact is that Carter's a black widow," Jack said. "And the news has gotten around the galaxy. When the natives see Carter coming they've got two choices: either send all the eligible men into exile or punt Carter."
"I am not a black widow," Sam protested.
"C'mon, Carter. Faxon. Hansen. Martouf. Orlin. Narim. Rothman."
"Rothman?" Daniel and Sam exclaimed in unison.
"Weren't you two...?"
"No!" Sam said indignantly. "See—you can't blame me for every man who's ended up dead."
"What about me?" Sam demanded.
"I'll talk to the Pentagon about having you declared a lethal weapon," Hammond said.
"That's not what I meant!" Sam said.
Debriefings: Curse of the Black Widow, Eos
"Colonel, what's the meaning of this?" Hammond said, gesturing at Teal'c.
The Jaffa sat at Hammond's left wearing the largest, most shit-eating grin Hammond had ever seen on anyone. Ever. It was more than disconcerting. More than alarming. That smile on that face made Hammond wonder if an exorcism would be considered a proportional response.
"Meaning, sir?" Jack eyed Teal'c as if just seeing the Jaffa's expression for the first time. "No meaning. Teal'c's just... happy."
"Happy?" Hammond said skeptically.
"Told you he wouldn't buy it," Daniel muttered to Jack.
"Giving your all for science, eh, Teal'c?" Jack said.
"Indeed," Teal'c said in a voice so low and mellifluous that Jack and Daniel both nearly spontaneously climaxed. Janet fanned herself briskly.
Hammond wondered briefly if the Pope was taking new applications for sainthood, because George was damn near sure he'd earned it. After all, he hadn't arrested, gagged, or straightjacketed any member of SG-1. Not recently.
"Find your own reassurance," Janet said.
"She did," Daniel said. "Then they all died."
"That's it," Hammond said. "I'm placing an immediate ban on all sex involving any and all members of the SGC anywhere, anytime. In any reality."
"Yeah, like that'll be a change for me," Sam said.
Debriefings: I'm a Jaffa... and you're not Eos
"It looks like Dr. Jackson made some last minute changes... . Were you aware that Colonel O'Neill writes his requests in purple crayon?" Davis asked.
"He uses green for his mission reports," Hammond said with a nod.
"Right," Davis said, staring at Hammond and wondering if hemorrhoids were the only problem associated with gate travel.
"Um... General, why does Major Carter have C-4?"
"Probably because someone confiscated her P-90."
Debriefings: Inquiring Minds Want to Know, Eos
To: Jack- Colonel Jack O'Neill
From: Sam- Major Samantha Carter
While I appreciate your attempt at political correctness, Colonel, I won’t help you track down your goddaughter’s stalker. Ask Siler. Just don’t appeal to his inner feminist.
5. Stop typing me messages while you’re driving.
No, you would have heard her laughing maniacally over the PA. I can’t believe I’m dating this girl.
Please ignore last sentence. Due to lack of sleep.
Walter treats me like I’m the plague. It may be from the time you started that rumor that I had a contagious disease. BTW, Irishnosis doesn’t exist.
To: Mikey- Lieutenant Michaela Benton
From: Paul- Major Paul Davis
We’re standing right next to each other. Isn’t this more than a little childish? And in answer to your question, I’d like something that isn’t tofu.
“As fond as I am of you, pick up the damn phone.”
“How did you know I was home?”
“Your car is in the driveway and I’m sitting in a surveillance van watching you eat peanut butter out of the jar with your fingers. The deduction really wasn’t that hard to make, Shrimps.”
Fairy tales do not end with ‘And he saved her by squishing the giant spider and they lived happily ever after in her bedroom with her godfather watching them on security cameras.’ I will be there in five minutes. Can you wait that long?